Every Which Way But Loose...

I am a bundle of emotions lately, and I can't seem to get myself calmed down or focused. I am up. I am down. I am irritated. I am happy. I am content. I am stressed. I am calm. I am weepy. I am angry. I am...

Usually I am pretty much in control of my emotions. I am a stable person, but more than that, I have a great fear of being controlled by my emotions, so I take great effort to make sure I am the one in charge. I trace this back to when I was a kid and I threw spectacular temper tantrums.

My mom tells the story of when I was just entering my terrible twos, and I was more than a handful. I believed in the glory and drama of a truly well executed tantrum. She tells me that they tried everything to break me of this behavior, until one day they found the key. I walked into the room (very calmly) and started pitching a fit about God knows what. When I didn't get my way, I lay down on the floor and started kicking and hitting the ground and screaming. My mom says I looked so ridiculous that she just started laughing. In her words "I know you aren't supposed to laugh at your kids when they are misbehaving, but you were a sight". As the story goes, when I heard her laughing, I stopped screaming, stood up, dusted off my dress, and calmly walked back out of the room.

This tells me two very important things about myself as a child
~ Even then I didn't like feeling embarassed, and apparently this situation embarassed me. I didn't like that I wasn't being taken seriously, so I stopped.
~I was smart enough to recognize a hopeless situation.

That wasn't the end of my temper though, no no no. I can remember in first grade when I got into an argument with another girl in my class and punched her in the nose (the only time I have ever punched another person in my life). Side note: the day after this happened, me and the girl became best friends, and remained best friends for the next 3 years until her family got transferred.

You know how you have those memories of your childhood that were defining moments? Those crystallized memories that you can still see as clearly as the moment they happened? One of mine was the day that my mom sat me down to really talk to me about my temper. I must have been about 8 or 9 at the time. My mother, when I was a child, was the model of patience. I don't say that with any sarcasm at all. I rarely if ever remember her getting truly mad at us kids. I can remember as a kid that I always looked at my mom and wondered why I couldn't be like that, why I had all this anger inside, and she was at peace. And then she sat me down one day and told me the story of when she was a kid. She told me that she used to have a really bad temper, and that she had to learn to control it, or else it would control her. She told me that I needed to learn to master my temper too. That I COULD do it. I had the strength to control the anger that I felt was brewing inside, and that if I worked at it, someday it wouldn't control me. I couldn't believe it... my mom fought the anger too? My mother, the calm, peaceful one, she understood? She fought the demons too? That moment changed my life, and the funny thing is, that my mom doesn't remember having that conversation with me. She confirms to this day that she did indeed have a bad temper as a child, but she doesn't remember telling me the story. Amazing how the little things we do can sometimes have the biggest impact.

Anyhow... I fought, like my mom told me to. I learned to control it. I learned when it was worthwhile to argue, and when it made more sense to save my breath. I learned how much energy it required to care about everything, and then I learned to let go of the details. Focus on the important, don't waste time on the petty.

That brings me to today... well, at least to the person I am today. I still fight that fight at times. I still have to tell myself sometimes to let it go. And here is another fun fact about me... I don't buy into the "I am PMSing" excuse. I don't agree with the fact that so many women seem to feel that just because they are feeling hormonal, that excuses bitchy behavior. Sure, I am not in a great mood sometimes, but that doesn't mean that I have the right to make the rest of the world miserable along with me.

I believe in control, I guess is what I am trying to say with this long ramble today. I believe in controlling and focusing and using your emotions, and not letting them control, focus, and use you. And although I am not going to get into the topic today, I do understand that there are those people that need help controlling the emotions.

So all that to say this... I don't like when my emotions are in a whirlwind. I like definition, I like control. And on days like today, I feel like the little girl inside me is fighting to get out once again.

She won't win. Would someone please pass that message along to her?