Pictures from Roll #3

Ok, so I have a LOT of stuff that I want to blog about this week, but first things first. I finished up another roll of film almost a week ago, and I have just been really lazy about getting them uploaded and posting about them. But here you go!

I have to say, I am very happy with this roll. There was, in my mind, a noticeable improvement in picture composition and color, etc. Tell me what you think...

Mike and I took a wonderful trip to Houston to celebrate our upcoming anniversary, so that is where most of these shots came from.

This was the inside of our hotel room at the Four Seasons... pretty isn't it? What I like about this picture is the lighting, and the fact that I feel it looks like a brochure picture, even though I took it myself...

The people at the Four Seasons were amazing about recognizing our anniversary. They gave us two cards, and sent up a complimentary dessert plate full of goodies. What I like about this picture is that even though it is unintended, the lighting reflected in the glass table makes it look like it is split in half, light and dark. Also, the focus turned out wonderfully. This is probably my favorite picture on this roll (Mike agrees).

This is another shot of the same plate (although you might notice some of the treats are gone by this point). I am very happy with the crisp focus on this flower in this one.

One of our stops in Houston was the House of Blues, which is where we went to see The Decemberists in concert. Inside the restaurant, was this mosiac of glass tiles, each imprinted with the face of a blues musician. The odd thing is that in the actual restaurant, these faces are not that easy to see, they blend in, and make this look like a bunch of blue glass blocks unless you look closer. I will admit, I used auto focus on this one, but I was happy with the way the flash highlighted the faces and brought them out. What I don't like is the red whatever in the corner that obstructed part of the view.

This one is my second favorite on the roll. Again, I have to admit that I used auto focus, mostly because I was standing on a busy street corner, and I didn't want to take a long time with this shot. I like the off-centeredness (is that even a word?) of this picture, the fact that it all is in focus, and the contrast of the sky behind it.

So there you go, folks, roll #3.

What do you think? What are your favorites?

Sick Tummy Makes Me A Sad Pancake

Ok, so here is a quick glimpse into the humor that exists in our household. I made pancakes for dinner again on Saturday night, and as I mentioned before, I cook a mean flapjack. This time, however, on the third pancake, I wasn't paying attention, and it overcooked a little too much for my liking. No problem, I just set that pancake on a plate off to the side and went on to cook the rest of the pancakes. Mike and I sat down to enjoy a good dinner, and afterwards, he was taking the dishes into the kitchen when he came across the lone pancake, still off to the side on its plate. Since the pancake wasn't burned, but merely a little overcooked, Mike asked me why there was a pancake sitting off to the side, all by itself. Once I explained my reasons, Mike got very quiet in the kitchen for a few seconds. Next thing I knew, I could hear him giggling to himself in the kitchen.. then he called my name, and when I looked up to see what he wanted, he was holding this:




and he said "being left alone makes this pancake a sad pancake".

Now, I don't know if it was the unexpected nature of what he had done by drawing a face on it, the fact that the pancake now looked like an emoticon of the food world, or if it was the ability he has to find humor in every situation, but it cracked me up. I couldn't stop laughing. And when I finally did, he just held up the pancake again and started telling me the reasons why I made this pancake a "sad pancake". I tell you what, that man knows how to make me laugh. And I truly find it a gift to be able to see the humor in the little things in life.

As for the rest of the title of today's post... I spent Sunday night and Monday morning with an upset stomach, and in fact, I stayed home from work yesterday, which is partially to blame for me not posting yesterday. And just when I got over it, Mike seemed to catch the same bug.

Luckily, we are both feeling better healthwise, and are, in fact, no longer sad pancakes.

I hope you all are doing well, and that all your pancakes have smiles today.

Not Just Newlyweds

Do you know what phrase I absolutely hate?
The words I detest when spoken to me?

"Awww... y'all are just newlyweds"

Important to note: We live in Texas, so this phrase is always delivered with the "awww... y'all" beginning as notated above.

My husband and I are big on romance. He is a sweetheart of a guy who has no qualms at all about showing affection in public. We end every phone call with an "I love you" and a smooched "MUAH!". Yes, he does too, it isn't just on my end.

He tells me he misses me several times throughout the day when we are apart. I miss him terribly too, sometimes with a physical ache at being apart.

Mike gives the greatest hugs in the world, the kind that wrapped you up and insulate you away from the bad crap that the world is throwing at you. The kind that sooth your pain and make the whole world better because he is going to keep you safe in that hug.

We fall asleep every night wrapped up in each other's arms. We are snugglers.

We don't travel alone, we do it all together.

In 4 years of marriage, and a total of 6 years together, we have never, not ONCE, spent a night apart. I don't want to fall asleep without Mike there, holding me.

Does all this sound like a fairytale out of a book? Maybe. But it isn't. This is our marriage.

Mike and I have an all-encompassing love for each other. Since we first got together, our lives have been about our marriage. We are all we've got, we are all we need, we are all we want. We have OUR friends, not his friends and my friends.

This brings me to my point. Those that look at our marriage, look at our love for each other, and tell me that it is just because we are newlyweds. Just because we haven't been together for a thousand years, doesn't mean that what we have isn't real.

This isn't fake dating romance, people, this is true love. This is devotion to your spouse and consciously making sure that the romance is present. This is marriage, at its finest.

If Mike and I were an elderly couple, married for 50 years, people would look at us, see our behavior, and talk about how amazing it is that we love each other that much, that we are still that in love with each other. Why is it any less because we have been married a shorter amount of time?

The answer: it isn't. So do me a favor, and please don't belittle our love by implying that it is somehow going to go away the longer we are married. We are in this for a lifetime, and a lifetime from now, I will still be telling my husband that I love him before I hang up the phone each time. A lifetime from now, I will still want him next to me at the end of every day. A lifetime from now, we will still be newlyweds.

This is not some passing phase, this is love.

Oh, and don't even get me started on the ones that say "just wait until y'all have kids".

Our Weekend Trip

So yeah... I failed at getting the pictures of me and Mike that I said I was going to try for. I did however get some pictures of the place that we stayed at!

We went to Lake Charles and stayed at the L'Auberge Du Lac Casino (means Inn on the Lake) (yeah, I am nerdy enough to have looked up the translation when we got home. We were there to see Blue October, a band that both Mike and I have a long history with.

We arrived in Lake Charles around 2pm, and went to check in to our room. The service at this hotel and casino was outstanding, I must admit. The lady behind the check in desk was very polite, and friendly, and made me feel like a guest in their hotel, not like I was inconveniencing them by making them clean a room for me. We went upstairs to our room, and found a beautiful room, done up in a slightly Western theme, straight down to these amazing chairs:

which for some reason really fascinated me and prompted me to take another picture, even closer, of the feet on the chair... did you catch those in the first picture?

Yeah... that's a hoof. I don't even like Western themed stuff, and I would SO put these in my house.

Anyhow, after checking in, we went down to the casino and contributed a little of our money to the economy of Louisiana, and then had some amazing Creme Brulee gelato in the dessert shop there. We met up with Mike's brother and his wife for the buffet dinner, which was somewhat of a letdown for me. The selection was not that great, and the food was very bland.

The advantage to being there was that while we were eating, 4 out of the 5 members of Blue October came in to eat their dinner, and we got a chance to say hello to a couple of them. It was really nice to see that they still remember us, even as big as they are getting.

After dinner, we hung out for a while until it was time for the show. It was a free concert by the pool in the casino, so there were TONS of people there, and only about 1/3 of them there to see a band. The band Ours opened, followed by Switchfoot, and then Blue. Mike and I found some comfy pool recliners around the other side of the pool to relax in and watch the show. As it turned out, we could see the projection screen perfectly from where we sat, and there was a cool breeze blowing there as well. The music was wonderful, and it was really good to see Blue in concert again (one of these days I will tell you about our history with Blue).

After the concert, we met back up with the family, and went to the cafe there and had some dinner, even though it was midnight. And then back to the room to crash!!

All in all, a really great trip, and a great time spent with family.

Oh, and here are a few other pictures I took...

The view from our window of the front entrance and fountain

A closer shot of the fountain

The beautiful golf course there on the grounds

I have a feeling we will be back there again...

Softly and Tenderly

I started to cry yesterday during church.

This is not the post I wanted to write today. This is not a post that I was sure I was ever going to be able to write. I had funny stories of the weekend trip to see Blue October halfway composed in my head. I was going to tell you the history of my love of the band, or maybe even start the story of how I met Mike. I had a funny picture of an awesome chair from our hotel room that I was going to post for you. I was witty, funny, and anecdotal all at once.

And then I started to cry yesterday during church.

I am not even sure Mike knew I was crying. I was fighting to keep the tears back, but they welled up and threatened to pour over during the last song we sang.

I have quite the history with church and religion. It is part of the heritage my parents passed down to me, it is part of the fiber of who I am, it is very much a part of what makes me, ME.

I was raised in a strict conservative Christian household. We weren't allowed to wear pants until I was 14 years old, we didn't go trick-or-treating on Halloween, we didn't believe in the Easter bunny, or the tooth fairy, or Santa (even at a small age). We weren't allowed to watch Scooby Doo because the story lines dealt with ghosts and witches, taboo topics in our household. We went to church every time the doors were open, we said grace before each and every meal, we memorized Bible verses at a young age, I can still recite the books of the Bible in order, and I was the Bible drill champion of the church for several months.

But it was more than that, it was so much more. Christianity was woven into every fiber of our life. Our belief in God, our worship, our faith, it was more than this. I don't honestly know the right words to explain it to those that were not raised with such an all-encompassing faith, but it was more than a part of our lives. It WAS our lives. Every thing that we did, every thing that we touched, every word, every action, every song you sang or tv show you watched was expected to be held up to the measuring stick and it was expected to meet the criteria.

I don't know if everyone is affected the same way, but for me, this completely shaped the way I viewed my world, and the way I viewed myself. There were positives and negatives, of course. It gave me a sense of belonging to a community, a sense of safety in knowing, or thinking that I knew, everything was laid out for me. There is a sense of comfort in having a set of directions laid out for me that I can follow. There was a sense of knowing how I measured up. But therein lay part of the problem. I felt that I was being measured, constantly.

I remember in my early 20's, I was working in the youth group in a church in Arkansas. During our youth Bible study one week, the lesson was on "loving your neighbor as yourself", and the emphasis was on the fact that in order to love others, you have to love yourself. You have to accept yourself as the creation of God, and see how valuable you are. Anyhow, the preacher was going around the group, picking out random people and asking them if they liked themselves, and why or why not. I KNEW he was going to call on me, and I dreaded it. I didn't want to answer that question. Just as I predicted, he called on me, and asked me "Jennifer, do you like yourself?", and I started to cry. The great big gulping sobbing cry that becomes more embarrasing the longer it goes on. The cry where your whole face becomes red, and you can't breathe, and people are trying to comfort you, but it only makes it worse. I couldn't answer his question, I couldn't look at him, I couldn't speak. I just wanted to go away and fade. You see, at that moment I had a revelation. I realized something that I had never realized before.

I didn't like myself.

Why? Because I wasn't good enough. Because I could never be good enough.

Looking back, I think that was the turning point in my religious life. From that point forward, I couldn't find the comfort that I had known as a child. I couldn't find the peace and the knowledge that I belonged. Instead, I felt the condemnation. I felt that I couldn't meet the standards, I couldn't measure up, I failed. Slowly over time, I began to like myself less and less.

I left Arkansas and moved to Dallas on my own. I quit going to church, because it felt empty. Worse than that, it didn't feel empty, it felt full of reminders of how I was failing, how I was going to fail. I just couldnt take it anymore, the feeling that people were standing there in disapproval, with their checklists of the ways I was supposed to be, the things I was supposed to do, the words I was supposed to say. Their rules were smothering me. I had to walk away.

In the years between then and now, I have learned a lot about myself. Mike has helped me figure out a lot about myself. I learned that I need to have a faith of my own. It ISN'T always going to be the same as those that wear the title of Christian. I don't agree with all the teachings of ANY church. I can't go back to that church that I was raised in. I had to strike out and find out where I belonged. Most importantly, I needed to learn to like myself. And in order to do that, I had to learn to live on my own two feet. I had to make decisions for myself, instead of turning to the church for answers to every little facet of my life and personality. I became my own person, I became my own self. I learned who I was. In the process, I threw away some of the teachings of my childhood. I learned that it was okay to reject some of the teachings, and that it didn't mean I rejected it all. I learned to think through my faith and understand it, and not accept it blindly.

Mike and I have found a church that we love. We attend most Sundays, and I work at that same church. I am slowly but surely finding my way back to a faith that I can base my life on.

But the relationship is different. It will never be that all encompassing overwhelming ruler of judgement that I used to measure myself by. It can't be. I refuse to let it be. It is instead, now a tenative friendship that is forming. I can't commit to the life I used to live by. I don't want to be in that life. I am very happy in the life that I have found with Mike, and in the faith that we are growing together as a couple.

So why did I start to cry yesterday? We were singing "Softly and Tenderly" and it came to the chorus.... "come home, come home, you who are weary, come home"... and my heart broke... because I feel like I am coming home. I am finding my way back to a HEALTHY relationship with God, and just as importantly, a HEALTHY relationship with church. And because, in this one area of my life, I have been so weary for so long... I have been tired in my soul since I was a child. I kept trying and trying to be good enough, and I wasn't. And now? Now I am in a place where I am beginning to learn again that I can just let go.

I can let go, I can enjoy faith, I can relax and be happy. I am strong enough to remain ME without allowing doctrine to overrun the amazing person that I am already.

It is safe now for me to "come home".

Pancakes, Pictures, and Paraphernalia

Mental paraphernalia, that is (and yes, I had to look that word up to get the spelling correct). I have a lot of random things to share with you today, so I am going to group them all together in this one post. This one, wonderfully aliterated-titled, post.

Last night, Mike and I wanted a snack, so I made up some pancakes. I realize this is not groundbreaking news, but you haven't had my pancakes. I make a really mean flapjack, my friends. I worked for two years at a Wendy's during the breakfast rush, and I know my pancakes. I make them big, light and fluffy, really cake-like. I am not a fan of the crepe. I smothered mine with strawberry jelly, and went to town. It was wonderful!

When I got home from work, this was waiting for me:

Mike bought it for me as a surprise, and it came in the mail yesterday. I had no idea it was on its way, so I was wonderfully surprised. I have an amazing husband, the kind that sees things that I would like, and loves to surprise me with them. And excited? you better believe it! I did a little bit of reading in it last night, and it gives all the information that you could possibly need, from how to take pictures without using a telescope, to what kind of film to use, what cameras work best, etc. And also exciting is the idea that I am going to be buying a "old-fashioned" camera at some point for astrophotography. Turns out that digital cameras dont have the exposure time, and the sensitivity to light that regular cameras do, so YAY! I will get to do some equipment shopping in the near future.

This Thursday I am taking off work at noon, and Mike and I (along with Mike's brother and his wife) will be headed to Louisiana to a casino there. Our main reason for going is to see Blue October in concert there (more about our history with Blue October in another post), but let me reassure you that we are planning on enjoying the buffet dinner, and planning to do a bit of gambling. I am really looking forward to this trip for a variety of reasons. It has been probably close to two years since we have seen Blue in concert. I have never stayed in a casino hotel room before (YAY!), and the buffet? Do I even need to go into my love of food, and what a buffet means to me? Most importantly, I am looking forward to a trip with Mike and our family.

My boss, the preacher, gets back from his family vacation on Thursday. They have been gone for three weeks now, and it has been really quiet around here. While that is nice for a while, I am looking forward to having them back and there being a little more life around this place.

I guess that is all for now, my friends. The clutter in the brain is cleared out, and I can focus on the work at hand.

I will leave you with this question though... what sorts of clutter do you find in your mind today?

Never Stop Holding Hands

Sunday morning, as I sat in church next to Mike, he reached over and took my hand.

This is not a news flash of epic proportions.
This is not an unusual occurence.
This is not an action that shocked me.

This is the type of love that Mike and I share. We hold hands in church. He puts his hand on my leg as he is driving down the road. He puts his arm around me in the movie theater. We touch, we are reassured by the touch of the one we love. We yearn for, and thrive off of, that simple touch.

I can remember when I was a child, sitting in the back seat of the family car, and seeing my dad and mom holding hands in the front seat as we drove down the road. I can remember the kids teasing them, and one of my siblings threatening to write a book called "Hanky Panky in the Front Seat". I remember the feeling of security that I felt when I saw that joining of hands, that intertwining of fingers. The world was okay, we would be safe, our family would be secure, because Mom and Dad were holding hands. I have wondered from time to time how long prior to their divorce did they stop holding hands?

I also remember my father telling me when I saw a teenager that if you wanted your marriage to last, if you want to make sure you don't ever "fall out of love", that you have to work on it, that it takes a committment, that you have to hold onto that love with tenacity.

"Most importantly", he told me, "never stop holding hands".

It went far beyond the simple act of holding hands. He was telling me to always be the one to reach out to your husband or wife, always be willing to be there, communicate your feelings in a touch. But he was also telling me to never lose the magic of that simple communication. Never get so busy in your life that you neglect to enjoy the simple moments. There is no wealth, no house, no toys, that are worth sacrificing the surreal peace that can be found in a pair of clasped hands.

There is a magic in Mike's touch. In the greatest times of stress in my life, I have been able to escape away from it all into the grip of his hand on mine. The rest of the world can fade away until it is only his hand in mine. I know that I will be safe, I will be protected, I will be loved and cherished, and all this is communicated through my husband reaching out his hand and taking hold of mine.

Blank Pages

One of the most difficult things I have found about writing a bl0g is that I don't always have something deep and profound to write about. I don't always have an interesting antecdote, I don't always have a witty observation, and I am not yet to the point where I can just post a pretty photo essay and call that a post. My mind isn't always in the deep and profound mood, and you know what? That's okay.

I apologize if the occasional post comes up empty and unfulfilling. I am trying to get myself in the discipline of writing something every day, at least a little something, and I honestly believe that the more I write, the more I will find to write about. That has always been the case in the past.

So bear with me for a couple of the boring ones.

As you might have guessed, there isn't much going on right now. Last weekend's trip to the show is over, the recaps have been posted, and Mike and I are planning a quiet weekend at home this time. I need those weekends though, they are soothing to me. A whole weekend of nothing but sitting around the house, playing our games, and getting out to church on Sunday. Those weekends of relaxation give me the strength to make it through the week that follows. Those are the weekends that I am glad that we don't have kids yet. Kids, I have heard, interfere with your ability to be selfish and take time for yourself.

Don't get me wrong, we very much want kids someday. We both love them and would love to have one of our own. But in the meantime, until that time comes, we are not above thoroughly enjoying every selfish moment we have as a couple. We are very much in love, and content with a world that revolves around just the two of us.

I guess that is what the weekend represents to me. A retreat from the world. A time when we can close our doors, and close out the outside world. We can pretend that nothing exists except the two of us, even if it is just for a day or two.

I love those days.