All Grown Up

My father is coming to visit tomorrow night, and I am worried.

I haven't seen my father in 5 years. The last memory I have of him is in the ICU when he had his first heart attack. Mike and I (we had been together just a few months at this point) drove all night to Arkansas to see him, because we didnt think he was going to make it. I remember arriving at the ICU and going in to see my dad, and being scared because he looked so frail. I remember a few words that he spoke that meant a lot to me. I remember him looking at Mike and telling him to "please take care of my little girl" and Mike assuring him that he would.

A lot had happened before that visit to the ICU, things that I won't dig back up for public viewing, but things that had forever altered our relationship as father and daughter. More has happened since that visit. My mom and dad got a divorce after almost 40 years of marriage. My father moved to Arizona to live near one of my sisters. Most importantly, my father and I started talking again. Slowly, over time we are rebuilding a tenative foundation of a relationship.

Do you remember when you were a kid and relationships were easy? You either liked somebody, or you didn't. And it was okay if you hated them one day, and then they were your best friend the next. Adult relationships are not that simple, now are they? The older I get, the more I see relationships like a tide in the ocean. Sometimes the tide is high, and the relationships are strong, and then the tide goes out, and there is strain.

I am looking forward to seeing my dad, make no mistake about it. I miss the closeness that we used to have, once upon a time. And part of me is sad to know that I will never really be able to go back to that point. We are two adults now, and this is tricky ground, learning to have an adult relationship with my father.

The truth of my life is that I am very happy. I am very blessed. I am very loved. I am very content. And I guess what it all boils down to, is that in my father's visit tomorrow night, I want him to see that. I want him to see the wonderful husband I have, and how incredibly blessed I am in our marriage. I want him to get to know the wonderful in-laws that adopted me as one of their own when I had very little family to rely on. I want him to know that his little girl is all grown up now with a happy family of her own.